Not living, just not dying
by LDB672
Summary: If Voldemort had only killed Lily that night, this is how I think James would have felt immediately after Voldemort killed Lily


James Potter sat amongst the rubble with tears streaming down his face. His infant child could be heard crying as he himself sat clutching her body. He was shaking her slightly in the hopes of waking her up. He cast ' _Ennervate'_ again and again but it wasn't working. He was starting to panic.

' **No, no, no, no, no. please Lily. Please wake up. Please look at me'** He choked out. When she still hadn't woken up he screamed. He screamed with all his might. He screamed for the life his young wife could have had. Would have had. He screamed for the mothers days shed miss. The smiles shed miss. He screamed for their child, growing up without his mother. He screamed because he'd never known a life without her. But mostly he screamed because, now that Voldemort was dead (by her hand) they should have been a proper family again.

And that was where Remus Lupin and Sirius Black found him. Carding his hand through her fiery hair and rocking their bodies back and forth. As Remus saw her body, he choked on a sob and buried his head in his partner's (Sirius) chest. If he had looked up, he'd have seen tears streaming down Sirius' face and leaking into Remus' fluffy hair. Another cry from the infant in the room alerted Remus to his presence. Remus left the comforting embrace of Sirius and gently stooped to pick the infant up. The infant, recognising Remus, offered him a watery smile and cuddled into him. Remus stroked his hair and sighed. This poor child, who held so many characteristics of his mother already at aged just one, would grow up never knowing her. Never hearing her tinkling laugh. Never looking into the emerald green eyes he'd inherited. It was unfair that he wouldn't get to spend his childhood with her. All because of a mad man.

Sirius was trying to remove the body from James' arms. James was clinging on, afraid that if he let go of her body, it'd disappear and thered be no chance for her to come back.

' **The Aurors are here James. They need to take her now'** He whispered gently. James shook his head.

' **No, How can you just be so calm about this? No. She's just sleeping, she'll wake up soon. I just, I need her to wake up, please Lily'** He cried desperately.

It was clear that they were not going to get him to release his hold on her body, so Sirius gave the Aurors permission to use magic to extract her. The Aurors left soon after. James crumpled into Sirius' arms. This wasn't how life was supposed to be. Life was supposed to be better once Voldemort was gone. Marriage wasn't supposed to end this quickly. They were supposed to grow old together! They were two halves of one soul. How was he supposed to carry on without her. She was his everything. His heart was hurting. It was shattered. He was broken. 

James must have cried himself to sleep where he was as he woke up with a stiff neck. He moved his hand over to where Lily would be lying in their bed, but his arm touched nothing. That's when he realised he wasn't in bed, he was on the floor. And Lily was gone. He started to cry again, great heaving sobs that racked his whole body.

Remus woke up and cast _Tempus._ It was only 3:15 am. Then he heard the sobs. James. They had eventually managed to calm the young child down enough to sleep and now it was James' turn. Remus padded down the corridor to the nursery where he assumed James hadn't moved from yet. He was right, James was still in the exact same place. Remus stood him up and slowly led him outside onto the balcony.

James sat on the edge of the railing next to Remus.

' **This is what I do when I feel like you are. When I got bitten, when my parents died, and now this. I sit in the wilderness and look at the Earth around me. Were insignificant in the reality of space. But Lily's not, Shes a star, she is infinite. She always has been and she always will be.'** Remus said to him lightly. James was still crying, but not as heavily. He leaned on Remus' shoulder and fell into a dreamless sleep. Seeing that he was fast asleep, Remus levitated James into the air and laid him in one of the beds in a guest room. He knew not to put James in his and Lily's room. That would only hurt James more, and he had responsibilities now to his little boy to bring him up in a way Lily would have been proud of. Lily was gone, but little Harry wasn't. And he was half Lily. He had her eyes and her nose and most certainly her temperament. He was James' link to Lily and should be treasured. After setting up wards around James' bed to alert him if he got upset or woke up, Remus walked slowly back into his and Sirius' room and fell into bed next to his boyfriend.

The next morning rose, unwelcome and unforgiving with a thick fog that left the world eerie and damp. Remus woke to the alarm he'd put around the guest bed going off. He rushed groggily into the guest room to see James crying again. Not the heart wrenching sobs from the night before, no, Remus could deal with that. This sort of crying was silent. Like James had no tears left. Like he'd given up. Which in truth, he probably had.


End file.
